The Letters to Silence
by Desertfyre
Summary: Five times. Five times he has thought about it before he acted. The sixth time he couldn’t stand it. Silence followed. Maybe various letters would save him....before the silence wrapped him up forever. Major AngstSam and GuiltyProtectiveDean
1. The Thoughts

Disclaimer: I don't own the Winchester boys nor Bobby.

Notes: I actually came up with the beginning and the idea for the ending and the rest wrote itself. I have all of the chapters written out, but I don't know if they'll get uploaded at one time though

Setting:Set after Season 2, 'Born under a bad sign'. But take an AU approach. Major AngstSam and GuiltyProtectiveDean

Warning: Deals with self harm, and thoughts of suicide. However if you are like me, you might be happy to know, this has a happy ending. No tragic ending here. I don't do tragic ending anyway.

Summary: Five times. Five times he has thought about it before he acted. The sixth time he couldn't stand it. Silence followed. Maybe various letters would save him....before the silence wrapped him up forever...

* * *

Chapter 1: The thoughts

The first time he seriously thought about it was when he was 16 years old. The weight of the life was wearing a toll on him, his fighting with his father escalated every day. No matter what he did, how hard he tried he was never able to come out as "the good son". Not like Dean; their father near worship the ground his eldest walked on; in his eyes Dean could do no wrong, while Sam got everything wrong. If there was a guide to walking, Sam was sure he got that wrong. But he didn't do it instead he put all his concentration on getting out. He was getting out. And those blessed scholarships were getting him out.

So when he was 17 close to 18 years old, he ripped his father a new one, one final time, before leaving and never looking back.

He didn't think about it again…….not until four years later.

The second time he seriously thought about it, he was 22 years old. His old life he was sure behind him came knocking him flat on his face. His girlfriend, his beautiful girlfriend was dead. Why? Because of the demon that had haunted his family since he was six months old. And he couldn't stop it. Couldn't do a thing. He was close to accepting that it wasn't his fault about his mother's death but this brought it back. Jessica died over his bed, the way his mother did 22 years ago. He blamed himself for both.

He couldn't do anything right.

But his older brother's presence eased the guilt to a slightly tolerable level, so Sam didn't need to that time. But it was on his mind, constantly. But he had the strength to push it away.

The third time he seriously thought about it was after the accident. The one where he had be driving. The accident that near took his brother away and in the end did take their father away. Gave him back his brother but took his father. What kind of trade was that? And to make matters worse, he argued again with his old man just before his death. Sam knew something was wrong but still he ignored it in favor of arguing over something so pointless. He knew his brother must hate him at that point; he hated himself so how could his brother not. His brother clammed down after their father's death. Sam tried to get him to talk about it. But all it got him was a reminder of what he knew.

_These are your issues, quit dumping them on me!!_

Yes, these were his issues, and he shouldn't be trying to dump them on his older brother. He wasn't trying to do it. He just was trying to figure out a way not to drown. That was all.

The fourth time he seriously thought about it was when his older brother finally leveled with him on why he was acting so for the last couple of months. His brother finally told him what his father whispered his last night. He had asked his brother if their father said anything long ago and he flat out lied. And now his father's final words haunted his sleep.

_He said I had to save you. That nothing else matters. And if I couldn't save you, I'd have to kill you. He said I might have to kill you, Sammy. _

That was proof that his father hated him. Sam long accepted the fact that if he and Dean had been reversed at the hospital, his father never would have saved him. And this further proved that. How could a father tell another son to kill his other son no matter the circumstances?

He was drowning.

The fifth time he seriously thought about it was when he was possessed by Meg and shot and tried to kill his brother. For the second time.

The sixth time…….

There was no sixth time; he couldn't deal with it anymore.

**TBC.... **


	2. Too Far

Disclaimer: I don't own the Winchester boys nor Bobby.

Notes: I actually came up with the beginning and the idea for the ending and the rest wrote itself. I have all of the chapters written out, but I don't know if they'll get uploaded at one time though

Setting:Set after Season 2, 'Born under a bad sign'. But take an AU approach. Major AngstSam and GuiltyProtectiveDean

Warning: Deals with self harm, and thoughts of suicide. However if you are like me, you might be happy to know, this has a happy ending. No tragic ending here. I don't do tragic ending anyway.

Summary: Five times. Five times he has thought about it before he acted. The sixth time he couldn't stand it. Silence followed. Maybe various letters would save him....before the silence wrapped him up forever...

* * *

Chapter 2: Too Far

Dean had gone out to get some dinner leaving Sam alone. Sam looked at his watch. He only had about an hour to get this done.

Fear.

He felt fear before but never like this. He inhaled then let it out. He stood up from sitting on his temporarily bed in a no-tell motel. Shakily he reached over to his duffel bag and pulled out his night clothes. Then he pulled out his pocket knife. He breathed once before walking into the bathroom and shutting the door, locking it. He didn't need Dean's interference before he could get ready for this. He ran the shower before stripping and stepping in. Sam sat down in the tub clutching the knife in his hand. He let the shower rain down on him.

One small cut and it would ease the pain, wouldn't it?

It had to. He was at his wits end and didn't know what else to do. He couldn't tell Dean; it wasn't fair to him. He dealt with his issues long enough. It was time that Sam grew up and took care of this himself, back up the independence he claimed for all the time.

The blade gleamed under the lights of the bathroom. One cut and that would do for awhile. Sam took the blade to his wrist. Once he did this, there would be no turning back; he wouldn't be able to undo it. He didn't deserve to undo it. Sam set his face in concentration and slowly drew a cut over his wrist. Blood dripped from his self inflicted wound and hazel eyes watched in a hypnotic trance. For a moment, Sam felt a weight lift. And so he cut once more.

_I won't go too far_, Sam thought as he worked on his 3rd cut. He was not suicidal. He would never do that to his brother. He just wanted some kind of relief that's all.

Sam laid back against the tub. It felt nice. Very nice. He floated in a sea of content, losing track of time. He didn't know how long he stayed there. Logically he knew that he should get up and clean the wound so that it wouldn't go so far, but he couldn't. He was unaware of the small smile on his face. For the first time, he felt real good. Sam shook himself; he needed to stop this before it went too far.

But he found he could not move. Panic picked at his heart.

No, he could get up. He didn't go too far. He knew he didn't.

But he did.

Whether accidentally or consciously he did.

He feared what Dean would say. He didn't want Dean to see him like this.

But seems his body wasn't giving him any choice in the matter.

So with one last bout of strength he did what he had to do.

**TBC....**


	3. The First Letter

Disclaimer: I don't own the Winchester boys nor Bobby.

Notes: I actually came up with the beginning and the idea for the ending and the rest wrote itself. I have all of the chapters written out, but I don't know if they'll get uploaded at one time though

Setting:Set after Season 2, 'Born under a bad sign'. But take an AU approach. Major AngstSam and GuiltyProtectiveDean

Warning: Deals with self harm, and thoughts of suicide. However if you are like me, you might be happy to know, this has a happy ending. No tragic ending here. I don't do tragic ending anyway.

Summary: Five times. Five times he has thought about it before he acted. The sixth time he couldn't stand it. Silence followed. Maybe various letters would save him....before the silence wrapped him up forever...

* * *

Chapter 3: The first letter

Dean opened the motel door juggling two bags. "Hey, Sam I'm back", he called as he put the food down. He pulled off his leather jacket and threw his keys on the table before pulling out the food in the bag.

"Hamburger for me and rabbit food for you", he called out placing the salad on the table.

Dean cocked his head. He heard the shower running. "Yo, Sam, you taking one of your girlie baths?" he asked. "Just don't use up the hot water because I won't be happy about that."

Still no response. Dean was getting a bit worried. He would have expect a loud grunt or something. He crossed the short distance and knocked on the door.

"Hey Sam, give me a sign here", he ordered. His big brother radar, rusty after the past couple of months with their father's death and telling his last secret, started blaring at him.

Dean went to open the door…..

…..To find it locked.

The blaring went to wailing. Dean shoved at the door. "Sam", he called authority that he knew his younger brother wouldn't ignore. Still no response.

Dean stepped back and kicked the door down.

And he couldn't breathe. It took a second to get his behind in gear.

"Sam…." He rushed over and knelt, carefully taking his brother's face in his hands. "Sam, Sam", he called, "No…nonoono, you can't do this to me." He checked his pulse. Erratic but still there.

Dean didn't remember flying out the bathroom to call 911.

He didn't remember what he told the operator.

He didn't remember when they got there.

Nor the ride in the ambulance.

Nor being seated in the waiting room.

Nor finally being treated because of his shock.

No, he didn't remember any of those things.

All he remembered was the picture forever ingrained in his mind. His little brother in a bathtub, with the shower on, with slit wrists….

And one word written, in his blood, on the wall:

_Sorry…._

**TBC...**

* * *

A.N: Next couple of chapter are more Dean centered, but don't worry Sam will be back again.


	4. Denial

Disclaimer: I don't own the Winchester boys nor Bobby.

Notes: I actually came up with the beginning and the idea for the ending and the rest wrote itself. I have all of the chapters written out, but I don't know if they'll get uploaded at one time though

Setting:Set after Season 2, 'Born under a bad sign'. But take an AU approach. Major AngstSam and GuiltyProtectiveDean

Warning: Deals with self harm, and thoughts of suicide. However if you are like me, you might be happy to know, this has a happy ending. No tragic ending here. I don't do tragic ending anyway.

Summary: Five times. Five times he has thought about it before he acted. The sixth time he couldn't stand it. Silence followed. Maybe various letters would save him....before the silence wrapped him up forever...

* * *

Chapter 4: Denial

Dean sat staring up at the ceiling. He blinked. Where was he? "Nice of you to finally rejoin us", a gruff voice broke into his thoughts.

Dean shifted his eyes. The first thing he saw was a familiar trucker cap. "Bobby?" he asked.

Bobby nodded once. "Do you remember where you are? Why you are here?" he asked cautiously.

Dean surveyed the white walls. An outpatient room. He was hooked to an IV. "Hospital?" he asked.

"Yes."

"But why?"

Bobby was silent. Dean sat up. He closed his eyes against the dizziness. "Whoa, boy, take it easy. You passed out awhile ago", the older hunter grunted. Dean reopened his eyes.

"Passed out? Bobby, I don't pass out", he bit out.

"Tell that to the nurses who tended to you", Bobby replied.

"Where's Sam?" Dean asked.

………

Dean looked at Bobby who was avoiding his eyes. His breath hitched. "So it was true", he breathed, "All of it. The bathtub, the blood, the knife…….." _The word "Sorry"_

Dean pulled the IV out before Bobby could stop him. "Boy, where do you think you are going?" Bobby asked standing up to help steady Dean as he stood. The man knew it was a stupid question when he asked.

"To find my brother", Dean snapped.

"Don't snap at me! You need to rest a moment."

"How long was I out?"

"A few hours."

"Hours?! What about Sam? I need to know what happened." Dean pushed Bobby away and stumbled to the door. Bobby muttered under his breath following Dean. He knew better than to keep Dean from getting answers. He was just here to minimize the damage that he was sure Dean was going to make.

The nurse looked up from her documents as Dean leaned on the desk. "Sam….." he realized he didn't even know what names they were using if any. He was dead to the general public so he couldn't use his name. He couldn't think of anything. The first time his mind went blank. He just wanted to see his brother.

"Sam Dejoini", spoke a gruff voice snapping Dean out of it. "My nephew was admitted here. We'd like to see him."

The nurse glanced at Dean. "This is his cousin David. Just let us see the boy would you?" Bobby huffed. Dean shot him a grateful look.

The nurse typed something into the computer. "I'm afraid that he isn't situated yet. You will have to be patient. A doctor will let you know what is going on."

"What? It has been hours and I want to know now, darn it", Dean slammed his hand down on the desk making the nurse jump.

"I'm sorry sir. You have to be patient", the nurse said her voice quivered a bit. Obviously she was new at this.

"Look here lady……" Dean growled but was cut off.

"We'll wait. Thanks", Bobby cut in.

"Over my dead body", Dean cried, "I want some news."

"And you'll get some", Bobby stated calmly dragging Dean over to some chairs. The nurse looked relieved as she went back to her documents.

Bobby sat while Dean started his series of pacing. Bobby sighed. This was going to be a long night. After the 15th time of Dean pacing, Bobby finally had enough. "Boy, you better get your behind into a seat before I make you. You are driving me crazy!"

Dean stopped and glared at Bobby before resuming pacing. True to his word, Bobby wrestled Dean into a seat for him. They glared at each other, neither backing down.

"Family for Sam Dejoini", a voice called.

Dean was out of his seat before Bobby had a chance to process and get up. "What news, doc?" Dean asked. Bobby came to stand next to Dean. The mid-50's doctor with short slick brown hair and kind grey eyes smiled sympathetically. "Let's step into my office", he offered.

Dean started to say something but Bobby dragged him following the doctor. Once inside, Dean turned to the doctor. "I want to know about my cousin, doctor. Like yesterday", he growled.

The doctor thought it wise to skip pleasantries and give the news. "Well, Sam is doing fine. We have him stabilize. He lost a lot of blood so we have him on blood transfer for that. It was a bit of a touch and go for a moment."

Dean's heart clenched. "What does that mean?" he asked breathy gripping the back of a chair. Bobby placed a hand on his shoulder to steady him.

"We lost him for a few minutes but we got him back. He was barely hanging on when he got here. A few seconds longer finding him and….." the doctor trailed off.

Dean leaned on the chair heavily. "Take a seat. David, was it?", the doctor ordered concerned as he and Bobby maneuvered him into a seat.

"You mean…..he….he……." Dean could not bring himself to say it.

"De--David, he is fine now. You heard the doctor", Bobby reiterated although his own heart was hard at the news. They could have lost the youngest of their little group.

"David, David", the doctor called.

"What?" Dean snapped. He was scared and when he got scared he got angry. And when he got angry he started snapping.

The doctor glanced up at Bobby, hoping for a little help. "David, your brother needs help."

Dean glared up at him violently making the doctor step back but press on, "David, your cousin tried to commit suicide. I think it would be wise for him to see a psychologist."

"You want me to send my bro-cousin", Dean caught the slip-up but he was close to not caring, "to a shrink?! He is not suicidal. I know my cousin."

"I'm not saying you don't but he needs to talk to someone. Sometimes it's easier to talk to someone who isn't close to you. He needs professional help. I would venture to say he has thought about this for awhile and only acted now."

"I should beat your head in" Dean yelled.

"David, calm down. Your blood pressure is going through the roof", Bobby stated calmly.

"I am calm!" Dean cried, his face red from yelling, "Just tell me where my brot--cousin is!!"

The doctor nodded and quickly gave them the room number. "Sam isn't awake yet. He's medicated but should awaken soon."

Dean growled as he stomped out of the room. Bobby nodded to the doctor. "Thank you and sorry."

**TBC.... **

* * *

A.N: I sorta winging the hospital stuff. I don't know much outside of basics. So forgive me if this isn't the complete or even right process here.


	5. Room 206

Disclaimer: I don't own the Winchester boys nor Bobby.

Notes: I actually came up with the beginning and the idea for the ending and the rest wrote itself. I have all of the chapters written out, but I don't know if they'll get uploaded at one time though

Setting:Set after Season 2, 'Born under a bad sign'. But take an AU approach. Major AngstSam and GuiltyProtectiveDean

Warning: Deals with self harm, and thoughts of suicide. However if you are like me, you might be happy to know, this has a happy ending. No tragic ending here. I don't do tragic ending anyway.

Summary: Five times. Five times he has thought about it before he acted. The sixth time he couldn't stand it. Silence followed. Maybe various letters would save him....before the silence wrapped him up forever...

* * *

Chapter 5: Room 206

Dean trekked down the hall and Bobby jogged to catch up with him. Near everyone got out of his way, feeling the angry vibe pouring from him. This man was seeing red.

"Dean, you need to calm down", Bobby hissed to him.

"Where the freaking elevator?" Dean asked his voice low and tight.

"Don't ignore me boy, and turn here", Bobby ordered and answered the same time.

Dean turned down the hall and marched to the elevator. He pushed the button forcefully a few times. He had half a mind just to run up the stairs.

"Dean….." Bobby said.

"What do you want, Bobby?" Dean snapped.

Bobby took a calming breath. It was understandable that Dean was scared. And everyone who knew the Winchester knew that scared translated to anger. Anger translated to rage. And Dean was straddling that fine line.

Winchesters. Seriously they are going to be the death of him. He knew it. And didn't care.

The elevator doors opened and the two stepped into it. "Can you believe that quack? This quack is suggesting I send my brother to another quack!" Dean raged as soon as the doors where closed.

"Dean….."

"No, Bobby. I won't hear a word of this."

"Dean, your brother may need help. He may need to see someone."

If Dean wasn't angry at Bobby before he was now. He swung around, rage in his eyes. "What? You agree with this…."

"No, I don't agree with it, but I'm saying we may have to consider the possibility. If your brother felt the need to take it this far and didn't come to you or me about it….."

"You can stop right there. Sam can come to me with anything."

"I didn't say he couldn't. I'm saying that he didn't….."

"Bobby, you are treading on thin, very thin ice", Dean warned.

Bobby pursed his lips and glared at the younger man. "Listen to me Dean. We need to do what is best for your brother not for you looks."

Dean looked at him appalled. "I'm not trying to uphold an image here. I want my brother to be helped."

"And if we can't do it by ourselves….?" Bobby asked.

Dean was glad the doors opened at that point.

As the two hunters got closer to the room Dean felt very apprehensive. He wanted so bad to wake up and this was all a dream. To see his brother over on the other bed, concerned yet glaring at him for disturbing another night of sleep. They stopped in front of the door. Dean looked at the wall, staring the brass plate that was clearing mocking him.

Room 206.

"Ready Dean", Bobby asked after a moment.

Dean didn't do anything. He closed his eyes briefly before reopening them. Still here. It wasn't a dream. Bobby didn't rush the younger man. Instead he stepped around Dean and into the door way.

Room 206.

Dean hated that number now.

Bobby looked at Sam from the doorway and his heart broke. He looked back at Dean who was staring at the wall, at the number of the room. He saw him close and reopen his eyes. Still the younger, spiky haired man did not move.

Room 206

It kept echoing in Dean's head. He didn't know if he could do this. Sure this wasn't the first time that either of them was in the hospital. But it was the first time that they were because of Sam's own choices, his own hand.

And that is what scared him most.

But, he needed to suck it up and walk into this room.

Room 206

That was his job. His job was to be there for his little brother and he would. He wouldn't fail him when he needed him most.

So, he took a breath, squared his shoulders and walked into the room.

Room 206

**TBC....**

* * *

A.N: Major guilt trip for Dean next chapter then Sam will start re-entering the story chapter after I believe.


	6. Sorry

Disclaimer: I don't own the Winchester boys nor Bobby.

Notes: I actually came up with the beginning and the idea for the ending and the rest wrote itself. I have all of the chapters written out, but I don't know if they'll get uploaded at one time though

Setting: Set after Season 2, 'Born under a bad sign'. But take an AU approach. Major AngstSam and GuiltyProtectiveDean

Warning: Deals with self harm, and thoughts of suicide. However if you are like me, you might be happy to know, this has a happy ending. No tragic ending here. I don't do tragic ending anyway.

Summary: Five times. Five times he has thought about it before he acted. The sixth time he couldn't stand it. Silence followed. Maybe various letters would save him....before the silence wrapped him up forever...

* * *

Chapter 6: Sorry

The beeping of various machines was the only sound in the room. The other bed was empty giving the small family the privacy they needed. Dean stood in the doorway staring at his younger brother. An IV tube of blood was filtering into his system; a breathing tube in his nose. He was hooked up to a heart monitor. A precaution he was sure. Dean swallowed. His brother looked so young there. Bobby had moved to the other side of the bed pulling up a chair in between the beds to sit down. He looked at the machines, looking awkward even sitting there.

Dean took a breath and finally made himself move to sit down in a chair across from Bobby. He didn't pull his coat off, didn't take his hands out of their pockets. He looked as if he would flee if given the chance. Dean looked up at Sam, looking at him. Really studying him, trying to figure out how it got to this.

How did it come to this?

Why did Sam do this?

He thought Sam was stronger. Apparently he wasn't as strong as he had originally thought. Dean needed Sam to wake up so they could talk about it. Guilt was now starting to eat Dean up. He should have known!! He should have figured it out. He knew his brother was a bit more withdrawn but he didn't think.

He didn't think.

Of course not. Between their father's death and his last secret they hadn't been the same. Dean hadn't been the same big brother. The big brother that Sam obviously needed. Dean had been pushing his brother away for the past while especially in the early days of their father's death.

Had it started there? Did Sam give his own cry for help and Dean simply ignored it? Or was he so deep into his own grief he didn't see his brother's cry. Or did Sam even give a cry opting to deal with it himself.

Dean knew that their family is the "suck it up and deal with it" type but he didn't think that Sam would take it this far.

Dean should have known. Should have paid more attention, then he could have stopped it. His brother had always been different from him and his father. He needed to talk about things. The "Dr. Phil" of the family. How many times did Sam try and Dean just push him away to deal with it on his own?

Dean knew that Sam had major guilt trips in mind but he had hoped that they had gotten over it or at least able to live with it. So what was it? What sparked this? What was the last straw? The questions where driving him crazy, making his own guilt pile higher. He needed to know, and he needed Sam to tell him.

_Sorry…_

That bloodied one word still haunted Dean.

_Sorry…_

He wouldn't let that be the final word to him from his brother. He wouldn't.

_Sorry…_

It ranged in his head. Echoed..

_Sorry…Sorry…_

God, how many times had Sam cried for help, desperate to find a footing? How many times did Dean just rip that footing out from under Sam?

_Sorry…Sorry… Sorry…Sorry…_

Dean clutched his head. "Dean, Dean, you need to calm down", Bobby got up and rushed over to said male, kneeling and putting his hand on his shoulder. His concern was spiking. If something didn't happen, he'd lose both of them. Dean was barely hanging on sanity as it was.

Dean began rocking clutching his head tighter. "Sammy", he murmured.

_Sorry…_

That word became a recording. That recording a familiar voice. His brother's voice. It kept picking away at his defenses.

_Sorry… Sorry… Sorry… Sorry… Sorry… Sorry…_

_Dean, I'm sorry. _

And his defenses, they dropped.

**TBC.... **

* * *

A.N: Sam comes back in next chapter.


	7. Indifference

Disclaimer: I don't own the Winchester boys nor Bobby.

Notes: I actually came up with the beginning and the idea for the ending and the rest wrote itself. I have all of the chapters written out, but I don't know if they'll get uploaded at one time though

Setting: Set after Season 2, 'Born under a bad sign'. But take an AU approach. Major AngstSam and GuiltyProtectiveDean

Warning: Deals with self harm, and thoughts of suicide. However if you are like me, you might be happy to know, this has a happy ending. No tragic ending here. I don't do tragic ending anyway.

Summary: Five times. Five times he has thought about it before he acted. The sixth time he couldn't stand it. Silence followed. Maybe various letters would save him....before the silence wrapped him up forever...

* * *

Chapter 7: Indifference

Sam became aware of his breathing; something was up his nose. What was it? What happened? Was he dead? Was he alive? Where was Dean?

Where **was** Dean?

Where was** he**?

He groaned once turning his head to the side. And that is when it all came flooding back. All of it. He had only one cut in mind. One thing to ease the ache. The one cut, became two, two become three.

And it went too far.

He remembered how helpless he had been. How he only had strength to do one thing. Something he hoped to that got through to his brother and spoke a million different things.

His brother. God, his brother was probably so mad right now. He didn't want that. He didn't mean for it to happen.

_Please forgive me, Dean. I didn't mean to. Don't hate me, though you should. _

"I know you are awake", came a soft gruff voice.

Sam's eyes fluttering behind his eyelids before he pried them open. His hazel eyes stared.

"Hey, kid", came a gentle smile.

Sam blinked and tried to question with his eyes. "Dean is over there", Bobby nodding answering what he knew would be the first attempted question.

Sam turned his head to the other bed and found Dean fully clothed except his jacket was off an IV was in his arm. Alarm shot through him as he tried to sit up. Bobby stood. "Whoa, easy there! Dean is fine; he just passed out from stress that's all. Sam, your brother will be fine." He tried to placate the younger man.

_Did I do this? Did I bring this upon Dean? Was I the source of his stress? God, I can't do anything right. I didn't mean for it to go this far. Dean shouldn't have the burden of being my big brother. He should be free. _

Sam stopped struggling and closed his eyes turning his head away from Dean into the pillow as far it could go. Dean at the moment began to stir. Bobby was at his side in a flash. "Dean, take it easy now. I'm serious. You will do no good if you fall out again. This time 3rd time is not a charm." He tried a bit of gruff humor.

"Sam", Dean whispered.

"If you don't take the IV out I'll let you up", Bobby bargained.

"Yeah, yeah fine. And by the way, I didn't fall out…..again", Dean was getting tired of passing or falling out. Bobby didn't even dignify that with a response.

Bobby helped him to sit in the chair positioning the IV more comfortably. Sam was turned away from Dean. "Sam, Sammy", he called reaching out to touch his siblings arm.

"Hey, I know you are awake, Sleeping Beauty", he tried to joke. It fell on deaf ears.

"I'm gonna go get us something to eat", Bobby recognize the moment for what it was and wanted to give them privacy. "Don't worry about me, Bobby", Dean said rather absently.

"I will stuff the food down your mouth if that is what it takes", Bobby huffed walking out.

"Hey, Sam……" Dean trailed off. What did he say? What could he say? "I'm sorry", he cleared his throat.

At this Sam jerked as if surprised to hear it, lifting his head from being so pressed so tightly into the pillow but did not turn to Dean. Dean continued knowing he had his attention, "I should have paid more attention. I didn't realize you were feeling this bad. I didn't realize that you felt the need to……You could have come to me, man. I mean, that's what brother's are for right?" He gave a crooked shaky smile hoping and praying for a response.

Sam wanted to reply. He wanted to reassure his brother but he didn't know what to say. He was tired of talking, tired of reasoning, he just wanted to the pain and guilt to stop that's all. So he kept silent.

_It's not your fault, big brother. You harbor no blame for this. This is all me. And just something I have to deal with, that's all. _

He want to speak, but couldn't. So he just lazily stared out the door of his room. He did until something blocked his view. Panicking he knew he would not face his brother who had rolled IV and all, all the way to the other side of the bed. He went to turn his face again, but a hand caught it.

"Sam, please listen to me. Look at me. Don't do this to us. To yourself, please", his big brother's voice came, pleading.

So Sam didn't turn away but he couldn't look into his brother's green eyes either. So he looked at the pendent that swung from his brother's neck. "Sam", Dean called, "Talk to me…please."

Sam didn't. He couldn't.

"Tell me what I need to do to fix this. Tell me what I did wrong. I'll fix it." Dean pleaded.

At this Sam looked up at Dean. He wanted to say that it wasn't his fault. It wasn't but he couldn't open his mouth. He only hoped his eyes and expression conveyed it.

Obviously it didn't.

"I'm sorry, Sam. I'm so sorry. I'll try harder. I'll do better to take care of you. I know these last months sucked but please let me make it right."

Sam dropped his glaze back to the swing pendulant. He was too tired to care anymore. Indifference was settling in.

Indifference to the world.

Indifference to his brother's pleading.

Indifference to everything.

He was drowning.

And he didn't know how to pull himself out.

**TBC....**


	8. Admitting Defeat

Disclaimer: I don't own the Winchester boys nor Bobby.

Notes: I actually came up with the beginning and the idea for the ending and the rest wrote itself. I have all of the chapters written out, but I don't know if they'll get uploaded at one time though

Setting: Set after Season 2, 'Born under a bad sign'. But take an AU approach. Major AngstSam and GuiltyProtectiveDean

Warning: Deals with self harm, and thoughts of suicide. However if you are like me, you might be happy to know, this has a happy ending. No tragic ending here. I don't do tragic ending anyway.

Summary: Five times. Five times he has thought about it before he acted. The sixth time he couldn't stand it. Silence followed. Maybe various letters would save him....before the silence wrapped him up forever...

* * *

Chapter 8: Admitting defeat

"Your vitals are really good, son", the doctor spoke with a soft smile, the same doctor that Dean and Bobby had talked to, previously. "You will be released this afternoon."

It had been two days since Sam's admittance to the hospital. Two days since his suicide accident. Two days since he stopped talking, haven't uttered one word. Not to the doctors, or Bobby or even Dean. Though the latter tried so hard to get a response failing every time. He tried to hold a simulating conversation about politics or something college-y he could think of; that didn't work. Sam mouth never twitched. He tried jokes to make Sam roll his eyes; that didn't work. Sam's eyes didn't blink at them. He tired talking about hunting, sports, women, Oprah, everything he could think of and nothing elicited a response out of his younger sibling. Mostly Sam would just stare off into space or look at his lap. Sometimes Sam would look at Dean, stare at him. No puppy dog eyes, no warmth, nothing. They looked empty and hollow.

And that scared Dean like nothing could have.

Sam didn't acknowledge what the doctor said. He was busy looking at his lap; his long brown hair falling into his eyes.

"Sam, I would like to respectfully recommend seeing a psychologist. They can help you with what you are feeling. It may be best", the doctor treaded cautiously.

_And now they think I'm loony. _Sam wanted to laugh or snort at his own thoughts. He didn't need a quack telling him what he felt. He knew what he felt. He just didn't know how to deal with it.

Bobby glanced a little nervous in Dean's direction as did the doctor. Both expected Dean to yell and scream at him. To want to do bodily harm. They didn't expect what came out of Dean's mouth.

"If that is what will help him, I'm gamed", came Dean's soft near defeated voice.

Bobby was alarmed. He knew this was taking a toll on Dean but never imagined this much. Yet at the same time he knew that Dean would never stand in the way of Sam getting him if needed. Not until the final inning.

Apparently the crow had sung on this.

"This is a good doctor that may be of help to Sam", the doctor wrote on a piece of paper and handed to Dean. "If you call now, you may be able to get it later today."

_Great, now Dean thinks I'm a loony. I don't need a quack! _Sam wanted to yell.

Besides what do you tell the doctor: Yeah, um doctor see here's the thing. When I was 6 months old, a demon, yeah a demon, came and he killed my mother. No I don't remember. Anyway, my dad was bent on revenge and I know he resented me for ultimately getting his wife killed. How do I know? Because he was in my nursery, that's why. Anyway, I could never please my old man and I hated the revenge life we lived. My older brother was the only good thing in my life. Finally I left, went to college, good times. And then met a girl, Jessica. And guess what. She died the same as my mother. How do I know? Same style of death. What style? Pin to the ceiling, over my bed and fire afterwards. So you could see the where the guilt is coming from.

Yeah, you get the drift.

He would be in an asylum by that evening if he wasn't careful. No, no doctor could help him.

Dean gave a shaky smile, cracking around the edges. "Thanks."

-----

Dean followed behind Bobby back to his house. When this all went down, they hadn't been far from Bobby's. He glanced over at Sam who still hadn't said a word. He cleared his throat. It was weird hearing it in his car. Usually the music would be blasting but he didn't feel like music and didn't want to bother Sam.

"So, Sam…..how's it hanging?" Dean wanted to laugh at himself and strangle himself at the same time. What kind of stupid question was that?

Sam didn't turn or budge from staring out at the passing scenery.

"Come on, Sam. Give me something to work with here. I just want to help. Please let me help."

He saw Sam shift out the corner of his eye. He took it as a good thing, grasping at what he could get. "You know why we are doing this right? Going to see this quack? I understand if you don't want to talk to me or Bobby but you need to talk to someone. God, this is killing you. I know it is. I just want you to be okay."

_It's never going to be okay, Dean. It's past that point. Way past the point. _Sam didn't know what else to think anymore. He had accepted this fact. It wasn't going to be okay. He didn't know how to make it okay. He didn't know what to do anymore. How to do anymore.

What could he do?

Dean sighed. "You know you can come to me with anything right? I mean I know I preach about avoiding chick-flick moments but if you really have something on your mind, I won't shun you. You've got to know this. I know that you are different from me or….our dad, but it doesn't matter to me. I know I've been a pain to deal with the past couple of months and I'm kicking myself for it and always will, but Sam, you've got to let someone help you. And if some professional quack doctor is what you need then that is what I will get you. Is any of this getting through you Sam? Please tell me I haven't lost the last piece of my family, our family."

Sam shifted turning his head slightly towards Dean. _I know you'd get me what I need. But it doesn't help anymore. Nothing helps anymore. This doctor is not going to help. I can't talk to him about anything anyway, not the kind of stuff we go through, have gone through. Dean, you need to let go. Get on with your life. _

And the younger brother wanted to tell his older sibling that, but his mouth wouldn't open; he couldn't speak.

---

The rest of the ride to Bobby's was done in silence. Each brother lost in their own heads. Once at Bobby's they settled in. Dean knew they would be there awhile. The hunt was furthest from his mind. Right now, his brother was all that matter. He glanced at his brother who sat rather dejectly on the couch, not having bothered taking off his coat. Sam just stared at whatever was in front of him, not really seeing. Dean sighed and picked up the phone pulling the card out of his pocket. He didn't want to do this. He didn't want to. But unlike his father, he knew when to get help before it became too late. He knew when he had to admit defeat. Of course that usually came into play when his brother was involved. He wouldn't let anything get in the way of getting his brother help, not even himself. So with a sigh, he pushed down his distaste and dialed the number on the card.

**TBC....**

* * *

A.N: Again, this story wrote itself, so if it seems to skip all over the place or don't connect as it should (especially with the way Sam is feeling) in some parts, I apoloyize.


	9. So Much, Too Much, Not Enough

Disclaimer: I don't own the Winchester boys nor Bobby.

Notes: I actually came up with the beginning and the idea for the ending and the rest wrote itself. I have all of the chapters written out, but I don't know if they'll get uploaded at one time though

Setting: Set after Season 2, 'Born under a bad sign'. But take an AU approach. Major AngstSam and GuiltyProtectiveDean

Warning: Deals with self harm, and thoughts of suicide. However if you are like me, you might be happy to know, this has a happy ending. No tragic ending here. I don't do tragic ending anyway.

Summary: Five times. Five times he has thought about it before he acted. The sixth time he couldn't stand it. Silence followed. Maybe various letters would save him....before the silence wrapped him up forever...

* * *

Chapter 9: So much, too much, not enough

"So, Sam Dejoini, I take it", came a friendly female voice as she looked at the clipboard. She smiled at the young man sitting across from her on the comfy couch. Sam didn't budge. He just stared at the carpet. As the doctor at the hospital predicated Dean had managed to get Sam an appointment that late afternoon.

"Sam, it seems as though you have people worried about you", the doctor said, "Your cousin David is very concerned. I could tell."

Sam shifted at the mention of his "cousin David".

"Sam, I am here to help you. Let me help you. Why don't you tell me a little about yourself?"

_Is this what they call helping? _Sam snorted mentally. He shifted once, and managed to roll his eyes.

The doctor jotted something down. _Writing already when I haven't said anything?_ Sam thought miserably.

The doctor studied Sam a moment before she got an idea. She stood up and shifted through her desk. Sam looked up as the doctor handed him something, placing in on his lap.

A clipboard with empty sheets of paper. As well as a box of crayons.

Did she think she was talking to a 5 year old?

"Sometimes it's easier for some to write or draw what they feel rather than speak it out loud", the doctor explained softly, "Perhaps you'd like to draw or write what you feel."

Sam stared at the blank piece of paper. He didn't even know where to start. How to start.

"Try, Sam. Please. For you cousin, for the people that care about you", the doctor pleaded.

Sam opened up the box of crayons and looked inside.

Red, yellow, blue, green, orange, white and black.

He studied the box for a moment before he pulled out a black and began scribbling black onto the paper. Slowly and hesitantly at first he jerked the crayon over the paper. The more he scribbled the angrier he got. There wasn't enough black to convey the point. He just kept pushing the black onto the paper.

So much black, too much black, yet not enough black.

Then he ripped that paper off the clipboard, took the red and began trying to use up the red crayon. Angry tears pricked at his eyes.

So much red, too much red, yet not enough red.

Then he did the same with yellow on another piece of paper. Only this time he drew them in a shape of eyes. Before taking the red and black and coloring the rest of the paper. The doctor watched the near violent desperate coloring.

Sam near wasted half the black and red when he was done. He looked at the drawings before throwing the clipboard down and clutching his head. He couldn't believe he got this emotional over colors. What was wrong with him?

He could never escape this. He didn't know how to escape this.

Perhaps didn't deserve to.

------

Back at Bobby's house, Dean stared at the three drawings, laid out on the table that the doctor had given him. Dean couldn't believe what he saw. He could see the desperation in each of the drawings.

And he had a few ideas as to what they alluded to.

Sam was sleeping on the couch and Dean was sitting in the kitchen with a clear view of his younger brother. After Sam's let-out the doctor knew she made a much progress as she could that day. He hadn't expected any kind of response from Sam. He hoped for it, wanted it, but did not expect it.

The doctor gave Dean the drawings and explained that perhaps he could better communicate with Sam in his current state through written words or drawings.

Dean scoffed. He couldn't believe they were reduced to this.

"How is he?" Bobby asked softly as he came down the side stairs to join Dean the table. He looked the drawings have seen them already yet still turned his stomach.

Dean took a swig from his beer bottle before answering. "He's been asleep since we got here, Bobby", he answered.

"Now, Dean do not start drinking yourself away. That boy needs you", Bobby warned even as he got himself a bottle noting the other four empty ones.

Dean smirked lazily. "I'm not. I just need an outlet. I need Sam to be okay. I need to know how to fix this."

"You have the first clue there." Bobby gestured to the drawings.

"This is sheer desperation, Bobby", Dean gritted out, "Desperation in the highest form. I'm trying to reach him, Bobby, but I don't know how anymore. I don't know what to do anymore." Dean angrily wiped the wetness that was forming in his eyes.

"I know Dean."

Sam was listening to the conversation, not at all sleep. Neither male sitting in the kitchen seemed to know he wasn't awake at that moment.

How did one small act of comfort for him managed to turn into a big to-do now?

Cause he's a screw-up. That's all he has been doing his life. Screwing up and his brother has to fix things. His brother always had to fix things. Sam should be able to handle his own affairs. He should be able to get himself together. If not for his sake, then Dean's.

"I don't know what to say anymore", Dean murmured taking another swing.

Sam unconsciously began to run his hands over the bandaged wrist. He needed to fix this one thing. He needed for his brother to stop blaming himself. He'd figure how in the morning, as Sam began to really get sleepy and drifted off.

_Why Sam? Why is it this way? _

_Jessica? _

_You left me to die! You knew what would happen and you chose to ignore it and his happened! If I hadn't known you I'd still be alive. _

_Jessica, I'm sorry. I know. I know it's my fault. _

_It's all your fault. _

_Mom? _

_It's your fault for my death. All I did was give birth to you and this is how you repay me? _

_I'm sorry, mom. I didn't me too._

_Yeah, you never mean to. _

_Dad? _

_Like you never meant to not want to hunt, never meant to leave your family, never meant to get your mother killed, your girlfriend killed, me killed…_

_Dad, I didn't…_

_Save it! You argued with me the last day I was alive. You never trusted my judgment, questioning me every step of the way. Why couldn't you just do as I say? Like your brother. Dean was the good son. He was the better son. Why couldn't you be more like him? _

_I'm…_

_You say sorry again, so help me…_

_Oh, God, Dean. _

_Yeah, it's me. You know that should be your nickname. Sorry. All you ever are is sorry, yet things never change. _

_Dean I…._

_Shove it!! Ha, I can't believe I have you for a brother. A screw-up and I always have to carry a garbage can to pick up your sorry mess! Why can't I just live my life? Why did you take that away from me? _

_Dean I never wanted…._

_You didn't want a lot of things. Didn't care and now look at the mess we are in. Your mess, your issues…. _

Sam woke up with a sob. He managed to stifle it, panting. He clutched his head rocking himself, trying to get some comfort for that. It didn't work. He managed to calm down long enough to glance into the kitchen. Both his brother and Bobby were out of the count. Sam knew his brother was half-drunk anyway and Bobby was just tired. He could do this then. And this time he wouldn't lose control.

Slowly and quietly he got up and walked up the stairs. Some days it paid to be a hunter. He wanted the privacy of the upstairs bathroom. He walked in and shutting the door. He opened the cabinet. He knew Bobby kept some razors around. Sam searched rather desperately until he found them. He took out a clean one, out of the box. Then he looked up at the mirror as he placed the razor on his other wrist.

What he saw shocked him.

A much lankier male looked back at him, having lost weight. Lines that hadn't been there were etched in his face, black bags under his eyes. His hair was bit longer, shaggy and untamed. But it was his eyes. His hazel eyes didn't hold anything recognizable to himself. How did it get this bad?

His face crumpled as the razor fell out of his hands. Tears began to fall from his eyes. He dropped down to his knees, gripping the sink, his head rest against the cool marble. How could he do this to his brother? Is this what his brother saw when he looked at him? He could do this to himself, he didn't care, but to his brother. His brother was the only thing that matter in this world to him.

"Sam!" came a voice.

And speaking of which, his brother must have finally awoke. That made the tears comes faster. What was wrong with him? Why couldn't he just give his brother a life that didn't revolve around cleaning up his issues?

The door opened and Sam finally felt two arms pull him away from the sink and wrap around him. He didn't care anymore. He just couldn't. So he allowed himself to be held in this moment in time. He would let his brother know after this that it was alright. It was alright if he let him go.

**TBC…**

**

* * *

**

A.N: Some symbolism with Sam's coloring if you can figure it out.


	10. Communications In Various Forms

Disclaimer: I don't own the Winchester boys nor Bobby.

Notes: I actually came up with the beginning and the idea for the ending and the rest wrote itself. I have all of the chapters written out, but I don't know if they'll get uploaded at one time though

Setting: Set after Season 2, 'Born under a bad sign'. But take an AU approach. Major AngstSam and GuiltyProtectiveDean

Warning: Deals with self harm, and thoughts of suicide. However if you are like me, you might be happy to know, this has a happy ending. No tragic ending here. I don't do tragic ending anyway.

Summary: Five times. Five times he has thought about it before he acted. The sixth time he couldn't stand it. Silence followed. Maybe various letters would save him....before the silence wrapped him up forever...

* * *

Chapter 10: Communications in various forms

When Dean awoke, he felt that familiar buzz in his stomach and it wasn't the alcohol either. He quickly looked to the couch and knew why that buzz was waking him up.

No, not again.

He wouldn't go through this again. He stood up near knocking the chair down and waking Bobby in the process.

"Sam", he said.

Bobby caught on. "You check upstairs, I got it here."

"No, I think he's upstairs, bathroom", Dean said. He didn't know why he thought that but he did. His big brother intuition never failed him yet. So he flew up the stairs, Bobby right behind him.

"Sam!" He came to the door and opened it. Both surprised and relieved to see it unlocked. The sight before him though was another matter all together. He pulled Sam away from the sink and wrapped his arms around his little brother's shaking frame. His heart was pounding in fright. What if he had been a few minutes or even a few seconds later? What if he didn't wake up at all? Questions were racing through this mind.

Sam began to struggle in his hold and Dean held on more firmly as he surveyed his sibling. No blood. He looked up at the counter. His breath left his body. There was a silver gleam in the sink. He could see it via the mirror.

It taunted him.

"Sam, this has to stop", Dean began to cry, "Sam, please, you can't do this to yourself. Please, let me help. Let someone help. Screw this Winchester, tough love. It got us to this point and I won't let it break us, break you. Please, stop this." Dignity went out the window long ago for Dean.

Bobby had back away knowing to leave the two alone. He opted to sit halfway down the steps in case they need the help.

Sam's tears were beginning to stop. He heard the words his brother said. He wanted to say something but couldn't. What could he say? He hadn't talked in so long it was getting easier not to. Yet he couldn't let his brother continue like this.

_Why can't I just live my life? Why did you take that away from me? _

Sam shook his head to clear away the remnants of the dreams. It was just that a dream. Yet even dreams hold some truth.

And that is what scared Sam.

----

The next morning Sam woke up in a bed in the guestroom upstairs. It was the same room that the brothers used every time they came to Bobby's. He didn't remember falling asleep. He didn't need to look to know that Dean was in the other bed. Yet, he looked anyway, needing the reassurance. He found that Dean was on his side, staring at him.

"Hey, little brother. You finally greeted the morning sun", Dean said. Although it was an attempt at humor it fell flat. Sam was alarmed at the weariness in his older sibling's voice.

Weariness that he was always putting there.

Sam bolted upright. He needed to do something. He felt a touch on his shoulder moments later. "Hey, hey, easy, tiger. Take it easy", he heard the soft rough words.

Sam leaned his head in his hand; propped up by a knee he was resting it on, carding his hands through his hair. He closed his eyes.

"Sam", Dean murmured.

Sam managed to get his mouth to open, making Dean hold his breath, but no sound came out. So Sam shut his mouth. What could he say?

He was drowning.

What did one do with that? He didn't even know what to do with that. He was just tired. Tired of everything.

"Sam, little brother….." Dean trailed off. He had long since run out of words.

So they sat in silence. Each trying to find the words or pictures to make the other understand. Communication had never been so hard until now.

----

"What is he doing?" Bobby asked as he took a bit of his sandwich.

Dean glanced into the living room from the kitchen where his brother was on his laptop typing way. He took a bit of his own sandwich. They had tried to get Sam to eat but as usual he only picked at his food. So they let Sam go into the living room where he immediately got out his laptop.

Dean never thought he'd say this, but he was so glad to hear the constant typing that use to grate his nerves sometimes. To him, it meant that Sam had some energy and Dean was willing to grab at anything.

"I don't know. Every time I get close he closes the laptop or stops and hides it", Dean frowned.

"I'm surprise you haven't wrestled it from him yet", Bobby stated.

"I'm tempted, but it's the most energy he shown in days……"

Bobby nodded understanding. "Are you going to set another appointment with the doctor?"

Dean sighed. "I don't know. I probably should, but…..I'm not going to force Sam to go if he doesn't want to. And if those drawings are alluding to what I think they are the doctors are pretty useless. Unless you happen to know one that is or was a hunter."

"If I did I would have told you about 'em." Bobby paused, "Did you ask him about it? Going back to the doctor I mean."

"This morning. He shook his head a least. I wasn't particularly expecting a response to that." Dean had been ecstatic that his brother gave him something to work with.

The typing stopped and Dean looked up. There were times when the typing stopped and Dean became worried. He could see Sam lean his head in his hand, his expression one of exasperation or frustration, then his face dropped and he held one button on the computer so long, Dean thought he was going to break it. Sam let out a silent sigh before closing the laptop and laying his head in his arms on the laptop.

"Sammy", Dean called beginning to rise.

_It's Sam. _The automatic thought came to Sam, but he didn't voice it. Even that didn't seem like enough. He couldn't speak his thoughts, couldn't organize them properly; barely knew what he wanted to say. He felt that familiar hopeless begin to come back. The sinking feeling that he had grown to accept now. That drowning feeling. He knew the only reason he hadn't fully gone under is because of his big brother. And now when it matter most he couldn't speak.

"Sam", Dean said coming around the desk and placing a hand on his sibling's shoulder. "Sammy, what do you need?"

Sam couldn't even answer that question. And even if he could, it wasn't something that Dean could do.

"Sammy", panic was starting to find its way into Dean's voice.

Sam lifted his head up and looked up at Dean with weary eyes. Dean let out a shaky laugh. "Maybe you could eat something. Keep up your strength."

Sam shook his head. At least he got back that function of being able to answer 'yes or no' questions. It was something to alleviate his brother's worry and he was grateful for that much at least.

"Well how about a granola bar. Those sissy things you like so much", Dean tried to inject some humor, hoping he wasn't going too far.

Sam thought about it a moment, before giving a silent sigh. He could do that for Dean. He held out his hand. Dean blinked stupidly at it for a moment, clearly not anticipating this response. Dean blinked out of it and turned to get the bar when it came flying at his chest. Bobby stood in the doorway his arms crossed. Dean glared lightly at the older man before picking it up, opening it and handing it to Sam. Dean pulled up a seat and sat on the side of the desk watching Sam. He hoped he would eat it. He needed to eat. Sam had lost a bit of weight. Dean couldn't believe that he didn't notice that Sam had been losing weight the last couple of months.

Sam took the bar and stared at it a moment. He knew Dean and Bobby were watching him. He had put them through so much; he should do this one thing. His stomach rebelled having got out of eating a lot. He put it to his mouth and fiddled with it before he opened and took a small bite. He chewed slowly and stopped.

"You should sit up and swallow." Dean said slightly nervous.

Sam didn't do as he suggested right away but finally he sat up a little and worked on swallowing.

Dean smiled slightly. "You….you want to know a funny thing about raisins?"

Bobby looked at Dean incredulous but the younger male ignored him and continued. "Raisins, man, are baby versions of dried up prunes and prunes are disgusting. Prunes are you know, ick."

Sam sat up slightly in surprise at Dean's random words. Something within him swelled as his mouth twitched. Neither male missed it. Dean wanted to jump for joy at such a small thing. Bobby kept his smile to himself, surprised at this turn of events.

"Like why call a prune, a prune. It sounds disgusting. At least raisins are more dignified. I mean they are raising something right?" Dean laughed lightly at his own joke.

Sam's mouth twitched further as his eyes lighted up at this.

"I mean, raisins, man….." Dean had no idea what prompted this thought, or where he was going with it or why. He just knew he had to keep going, Sam's mouth was twitching in laughter, he could see it. "They are raising the ins and outs of something or other. Raisins……yeah……"

Sam's shoulder's shook and he pressed his mouth in a tight light biting back the laughter. He had no idea why this was funny to him. Perhaps because he hadn't heard Dean try to crack a lame joke in awhile? Slowly laughter eased from him as he took another small bite of the granola bar.

"You think Granny Nola was the first to make this bar?" Dean asked.

At this Sam near spit out his bite, as he laughed lightly. Dean gave a soft laugh of his own, happy to elicit such a response out of his brother. Bobby couldn't believe it. How did they do it?

**TBC…**

**

* * *

**

A.N: The whole joke with the raisins and whatnot, I have no idea where that came from. It just wrote itself into the story. Sorta corny I know.


	11. The Second Letter

Disclaimer: I don't own the Winchester boys nor Bobby.

Notes: I actually came up with the beginning and the idea for the ending and the rest wrote itself. I have all of the chapters written out, but I don't know if they'll get uploaded at one time though

Setting: Set after Season 2, 'Born under a bad sign'. But take an AU approach. Major AngstSam and GuiltyProtectiveDean

Warning: Deals with self harm, and thoughts of suicide. However if you are like me, you might be happy to know, this has a happy ending. No tragic ending here. I don't do tragic ending anyway.

Summary: Five times. Five times he has thought about it before he acted. The sixth time he couldn't stand it. Silence followed. Maybe various letters would save him....before the silence wrapped him up forever...

* * *

Chapter 11: The second letter

Night had settled quickly and finally found the house asleep. Dean woke up at the slight noise as he was trained to do. He sat up in bed just at the door to the bedroom was being closed softly. Dean raised an eyebrow, curious yet afraid of what Sam was doing. He got up and opened the door in time to see Sam disappear down the stairs. He waited a moment before going down the stairs himself. He peaked around the corner to see Sam back at the laptop, typing away, oblivious to what was around him. Dean sat down on the steps. He had no idea what Sam was up to but he wasn't letting the younger male out of his sight. He closed his eyes.

Hadn't intended to fall asleep.

But the next time he awoke, a foot was nudging him. He groaned and looked up to see a gruff, concerned yet slightly irritated face. "Boy, I'm too old to jump over you. Move your behind." He ordered gruffly.

It took Dean a moment to drag himself from the uncomfortable position he had put himself in, allowing Bobby access down the rest of the stairs. The night came crashing on him and he looked over at the desk.

Sam wasn't there.

"Calm down, Sam is upstairs", Bobby said.

"Bobby he came downstairs and was on the laptop all night. He isn't…."

"Dean, here". Bobby handed him an envelope.

"What is this?" Dean asked.

Bobby sighed. "Dunno, it was sitting on the kitchen table here."

Dean flew upstairs to and threw open the door. He wanted to see Sam before this goes any further. He found said male sitting on the bed….

……. in the process of tying his shoes.

Dean breathed a little too ragged as Sam looked up at him, slightly confused. "Sam, you okay?"

Dean came over and picked up his sibling's wrist and studied it. Sam withstood it a moment before battling the eldest hands away. Dean was surprised at this. Sam hadn't responded much in a few days here.

"Are you trying to give me a heart attack?" Dean cried unable to help himself.

Sam simply snatched the letter way from Dean, that he forgot he was holding and pushed it at the eldest chest as he stood, clearly telling him to take the letter. His eyes wouldn't meet Dean's as he did so.

"Sam", Dean asked worriedly noting this. He put his hand on his brother's shoulder. Sam simply pushed at his chest with the letter, urging it to him.

Dean reached up with his other hand and took the letter. "This for me?" Sam nodded.

Dean watched at Sam walked out the door and down the stairs. He figured he'd be okay with Bobby there for a moment.

Now, about this letter…..

Green eyes stared down at it. On the envelope was Sam's handwriting; written was his name. A letter from Sam? This was new.

Dean finally tore into the envelope and pulled out the letter. He tossed the former away from him opting for the perfectly folded letter. Dean smirked. "College boy', he said fondly before he opened the letter. The letter was printed out from the computer. Was this what Sam was doing in this last day?

_Dean, _

_Hey, man…..I know I've caused problems the past while. I'm sorry for that. I did not mean to cause such problems. I know that I did though. Wow, I'm already rambling and this is a letter. I know I haven't said a word. I honestly don't know what to say. _

_I haven't spoke because, well, what's the point? Everything has been said, there is no sense in repeating. And I don't know what to say anymore; how to say anymore. It needs acceptance. _

_I want you to know, I'm not suicidal. I'm not. I didn't mean to go that far. It wasn't supposed to go that far. I just needed some relief that's all. It was just suppose to be one cut. But that one turned to two….two to three and before I knew it, I lost control. _

_I didn't mean to bring this upon you guys like this. You and Bobby are all I have, man, and I hate to destroy that. I will try to accept the things that are wrong in my life. You however, need to let go. You need to get your own life. Don't worry about mine. You shouldn't have the burden of me. Even our own father said…..that you'd might have to kill me one day. Isn't that proof enough of you needing to get your own life? _

_I know I brought this family nothing but pain. It was my fault….and this is why I don't talk anymore. Repeating what has been said dozens of times. It does no good repeating what had been said. We've both been there, done that. _

_These are my issues; I won't burden you by dumping them on you anymore. You don't have to care so much anymore. I give you permission, if that is what you need, to let go. I just hope we'll still have some contact. That's all. _

_Anyway…… _

Dean turned the letter over hoping to find more. He found the envelope and looked inside.

_Anyway… _

That was how his brother ended this letter.

This whole thing was making Dean sick. Did his brother still harbor these feelings? Of course. He was the fool for thinking that Sam could just let it all go; just as Sam was a fool for thinking that he would just let him go.

He wouldn't let him go.

**TBC….**

* * *

A.N: Almost done with this story....


	12. The Return Letter

Disclaimer: I don't own the Winchester boys nor Bobby.

Notes: I actually came up with the beginning and the idea for the ending and the rest wrote itself. I have all of the chapters written out, but I don't know if they'll get uploaded at one time though

Setting: Set after Season 2, 'Born under a bad sign'. But take an AU approach. Major AngstSam and GuiltyProtectiveDean

Warning: Deals with self harm, and thoughts of suicide. However if you are like me, you might be happy to know, this has a happy ending. No tragic ending here. I don't do tragic ending anyway.

Summary: Five times. Five times he has thought about it before he acted. The sixth time he couldn't stand it. Silence followed. Maybe various letters would save him....before the silence wrapped him up forever...

* * *

Chapter 12: The Return Letter

Bobby watched as Dean typed away furiously at the computer. He'd never seen such dedication when it came to electronics as Dean was at that moment. He vaguely wondered what the letter was about. When Dean came down, he looked at Sam who didn't look at him, instead picking at his food. Bobby noticed Dean held the envelope and the letter that appeared to have been inside. Bobby watched the stare down Dean gave Sam and the avoidance Sam gave Dean. He kept quiet but expected one to say something after a bit. Instead Dean picked up his plate, patted Sam on the shoulder, which eased a bit of tension out Sam, before going into the living room. Where he promptly loaded the computer, took a bite of his food and had been typing ever since. Bobby had noticed at all the while Dean looked rather somber.

A little too somber.

Just like Sam was looking right now. Sam was still sitting at the kitchen table trying to read a random book that had been lying out but Bobby observed that he mostly tried to discreetly watch Dean. He looked nervous. Finally he couldn't stand it and trekked upstairs. Bobby was surprise when Dean didn't cease in his typing nor moved from his seat.

Instead said young male said, "Hey, Bobby, do me a favor and keep Sam company. I'm almost done here."

"Yeah, sure", Bobby said rather gruffly as he stood and went after Sam. He had to admit curiosity was killing the cat here.

That cat was him.

Again, he knew the Winchesters would be the death of him.

Bobby found Sam sitting on his bed furthest from the door staring out at the junkyard.

"Hey Sam, you okay?" Bobby asked. Sam moved his head but it wasn't an answer in either direction. He just hunched over and stared at the floor.

"Your idjit brother is on the computer doing something. He said he'd be done in a few. Asked that I keep you company", Bobby explained as he sat down on the other bed. Sam didn't say anything or move.

So they just sat in silence. It was about another hour before Bobby heard his printer whirl and another few moments before a set of footsteps resounding up the stairs. And a second, before he saw Dean step into the doorway. Bobby stood and without word disappeared down stairs.

Dean smiled grateful at Bobby before walking to Sam's bed and sitting down next to him. He toyed with the object in his hand. "I, uh", he cleared his throat, "didn't put this in an envelope. I probably would mess that up. Not that stickler you know." He looked at his brother trying to get a read on him.

"Here", he handed Sam the letter, putting it on his lap. Sam stared down at the letter. "Read it for me, okay. And then get back to me, maybe?" The last line was said with trepidation.

Dean didn't wait for a confirmation; instead he stood up, carded his fingers through Sam's hair once, like he did when they were younger and walked out. Sam heard his footsteps briefly until they stop prematurely. The man didn't go any further than halfway up or down the stairs.

Sam looked at the letter, fearing to read it. Fearing what it would say; how it would say. He took a breath. He needed to know. And that need overpowered anything else. So he forced himself to pick up the letter and open it:

_Sam, _

_There are so many things I need to know. So many questions I have and you know I'm no good at talking. And definitely no good at writing this kind of stuff. _

_I need to know what sparked this. I have never known you to cut; to even think about it. When did it start? Why did it start? I never thought you to be suicidal, but this scared me Sammy. _

_And not talking is scaring me more than your talking ever would. If you needed relief you should have talked to me and we would have figured it out. A vacation maybe, trip to the Grand Canyon, go to Hollywood, try to find Lindsay Lohan, try to get you laid, anything…. _

_Speaking of which, you cannot end a letter with just anyway. Isn't there some college rule against that? _

_Sammy, you know you can rehash any subject you need with me, if you that is what you need. I know you gotta rehash and refresh yourself and if that is what you gotta do, I don't care. It doesn't matter, I will repeat as much as I have to. Maybe we both have to accept and live with things but that doesn't mean that we just wait and let it consume us. I know its kinda pot calling the kettle black. But you have always been the sensitive one of the family and that's okay. If you have another method different from what me or dad do, then it's fine. You know I won't condemn you for that. I just want to help, Sam. Let me help. Whatever you need…_

_And speaking of repeating, you are not and never will be a burden to this family, to me. I said it a thousand times and if it takes another thousand then so be it. I just….want you to be okay, Sam. If I have to be a broken record at times, I'm okay with that. I'm sorry for what I said that day, about these being your issues and not to be dumping them on me. I didn't mean it like that. I never meant it. I was angry and hurt and I just snapped and I shouldn't have. _

_None of what happened in this family is your fault. I don't care if you start with our mother and work yourself down the line. It never will be your fault. Never have and never will. The demon needs to be held responsible for this. You are a victim not the perpetrator. Whoo, bet you didn't think I knew such a word, eh Sammy? My GED is good for something. _

_As for what our father said, the man was an idiot. You don't tell your son to kill his sibling I don't care what. We will figure this out Sam. I won't let even dad tear us apart like this. He didn't know you as well I do, and frankly as per his instructions, it wasn't his job to. And I accept that. I'm okay with that. _

_I won't let you go, kid. Not now and not ever. I should beat you up for even suggesting it….again. But it doesn't matter, cause I'll repeat myself. I won't let you go, not now or ever. _

_But seriously, Sam we need to talk. Letters are great and all if that is what you need, but still we need to talk. Talking is better not to mention easier. And we need to discuss those drawings you did. Heavy stuff man, even I see that. _

_So please, for all that is right, please talk to me. I just want us to be brothers again. I want to talk, seriously. I know I say no chick-flick moments, but this issue is past the point of it being considered chick-flick. This is serious and we need to tackle this head on if that we are going to beat this. _

_And before you start thinking about it, we are going to beat this. Because that is what family does, stick together and beat the things that need beating. God, I'm starting to sound like some talk show host or something. _

_But seriously, we are all that we have left. Don't let the demon or anything else win and tear us apart. _

_If they do that will have won already. _

_So if you could follow this disorientated letter, congrats. So, I'm going to give a real closing. _

_Just talk to me, please. Let's be brothers again. _

**TBC….**


	13. The Silence Broken

Disclaimer: I don't own the Winchester boys nor Bobby.

Notes: I actually came up with the beginning and the idea for the ending and the rest wrote itself. I have all of the chapters written out, but I don't know if they'll get uploaded at one time though

Setting: Set after Season 2, 'Born under a bad sign'. But take an AU approach. Major AngstSam and GuiltyProtectiveDean

Warning: Deals with self harm, and thoughts of suicide. However if you are like me, you might be happy to know, this has a happy ending. No tragic ending here. I don't do tragic ending anyway.

Summary: Five times. Five times he has thought about it before he acted. The sixth time he couldn't stand it. Silence followed. Maybe various letters would save him....before the silence wrapped him up forever...

* * *

Chapter 13: The Silence Broken

Sam couldn't help his eyes getting misty. What the heck had he been thinking all these years? The letters slipped from his fingers. He was so selfish. He had been selfish. How could he put the only family he had through something like this. He was stronger than this. He had to be stronger than this. He dug the heel of his hand into his eyes to stop the tears. He let out a shuddering breath.

"I'm….I'm sorry Dean", he whispered. The first words spoken in days, his voice cracked.

"I know", came a rough voice a moment later and a pair of arms pulling him close.

"I didn't mean too. I didn't mean for it to go this far."

"I know."

"You should hate me."

"I don't."

"You should."

"I don't."

"It's my fault."

"It's not."

"It is."

"And I said it's not."

There a brief pause before a shuddering voice said, "You'll have to kill me someday."

"I won't."

"You have to."

"I'm not."

"Dean…."

"Sam….."

"It's not the first time. It's not the first time I thought about it. It's only the first time I acted."

Dean was silent letting Sam tell him himself.

"The first time I was 16."

Dean closed his eyes to this terrible knowledge.

"I'm sorry. I really am a weak freak huh?"

"Sam you are not weak and you aren't a freak. I say freak in jest sometimes, but if it bothers you I will stop. However I never said weak in jest. And never will. Never. I'm sorry that you felt you couldn't talk to me about it."

"No Dean, you don't have to apologize. I'm sorry."

"And you don't have anything to apologize for."

"Yes I do. I…."

"Sam, how about we both are sorry and let this one go? We'll be stalemating each other until breakfast tomorrow and beyond."

A short laugh. A pause. "Hey Dean?"

"Yeah?"

"Are you okay?"

Dean wanted to laugh. "Are you?" he asked instead.

Sam was silent awhile. "I will be okay." Pause. "You'll be here?"

"Always."

"Thank you."

"Welcome."

More silence. A clearing of throat.

"Sam."

"Yes?"

"I meant what I said in that letter. Everything. I'm not going to just let you go and our father was a jerk. You don't lay that on your kid."

Sam smiled sadly, still leaning against his big brother. "Dad never did like me much. Huh, no wonder you were the favored son."

"Sam, our father had difficulty with emotion. Where do you think I got that poor trait from? Dad loved you just as he did me. He just couldn't get himself together long enough to express it. So he expressed it through tough love. He isn't the perfect father, but he did the best he could."

"I got him killed."

"No you didn't, if anything it was me."

"No, if we had been reversed, Dad never would have saved me like he did you."

"Are you serious? You can't say you truly believe that. No, he would have done the same. He would do the same for either of us"

"If you say so." Sam said rather forlornly.

Dean breathed in a breath. At least his brother was talking again. At least he was giving him things to work with. At least he saw now what he needed to tackled. He knew they were going to have a major talk ahead of them. But it was a start. If he spent next 10 years (assuming they live that long, he thought) tackling these issues, then he would. He didn't care. As long as he had his brother.

"You and I are going to have a major talk, kid", Dean smile lightly, carding his hands through Sam's hair.

"I know you are dreading it", he paused a moment before adding, "…..jerk", Sam smirked feeling more himself then he did in a long time.

"B***", was the automatic response and it eased Dean's worry a little more. He shrugged best he could. "Nah, not really. It was a long time in coming."

_Too long_, were the words left unsaid followed by, _almost too late_.

**Almost**, but it wasn't.

Sam pushed himself away from Dean, wiping his eyes. Dean watched him closely. Sam gave him a one dimpled smile, hoping to relieve his tension. It was slow in coming but it did relieve his older brother's tension slightly.

"Sam, tell me the absolute truth. Are you going to be okay? Anything you need I'll get for you." Dean asked. He had to asked, had to make sure.

_The first time he seriously thought about it was when he was 16 years old. _

_The second time he seriously thought about it, he was 22 years old. _

_The third time he seriously thought about it was after the accident. _

_The fourth time he seriously thought about it was when his older brother finally leveled with him on why he was acting so for the last couple of months. _

_The fifth time he seriously thought about it was when he was possessed by Meg and shot and tried to kill his brother. _

_There was no sixth time; that time he acted. _

Sam hesitated a moment making Dean suck in a breath still watching him. Finally Sam looked into his brother's eyes. "I'll be okay." Dean looked into his eyes apparently searching for something, that he found when he Dean gave him his trademark grin, although a little shaky.

And there was no seventh time, nor an eighth or an ninth.

Sam had what he needed.

He wasn't drowning anymore and the silence was broken.

**The End **

* * *

A.N: The end of this story. Dunno if this was the excat ending in mind, oh wait, I didn't have a definite ending so I guess it's a pretty good ending.

I guess the basic point of this story that I think sparked all of this was no matter how bad you are feeling, talk to someone. Whatever you got to do to convey the message, draw a picture, scratch symbols in the snow/sand, paint, write a comic, whatever, just make sure you communicate. It goes a long way. Even if you have to repeat yourself or repeat the message, there are people around you that won't mind being a broken record at times. Take it from the Winchesters.

If I thought of an epilogue (or extra chapter or two if the case may be), would anyone be interested? Mostly if anyone want to read the Winchester's major talk, mostly concerning the drawings Sam did, it would focus on that.

If not, this is the end and thanks for reading!! :)


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